Diana: "Mrs. Smythe, You're Needed"

In 1973, five years after leaving The Avengers, Diana Rigg traveled to the United States to star in the situation comedy Diana. She played Diana Smythe, a fashion illustrator who worked for a department store in New York, and lived in her brother's apartment. The show only lasted for 13 episodes, unfortunately - it was pleasant enough but nothing really unique or memorable about her character or her supporting cast. Which isn't to say Diana Rigg didn't display a fine sense of comic timing - it was the writers who let her down. I say this based on the four episodes I've seen.

The highlight of the series was the episode in which Patrick Macnee guest-starred as the famous and successful pianist Brian Harris. He's in love with Diana, and she with him, but his life style is too hectic for her tastes.

While you're reading the transcription below, just picture Diana Rigg as Diana, and Patrick Macnee as Brian Harris.

"Mrs. Smythe, You're Needed"
Diana Rigg as Diana
Barbara Barrie as Norma
Richard B. Shull as Howard
Gino Coforti as Spinelli.
Guest Star Patrick Macnee as Brian Harris

Filmed 1973.

The episode begins with Diana in department store window, holding a plan of what the window is supposed to look like.

NORMA ENTERS Hi, Diana.

DIANA Hi, Norma.

NORMA Every time I get in one of these windows it's just like being on stage. It reminds me of the time I was an angel in the Christmas play in the third grade.

DIANA Were you a hit?

NORMA Not exactly. I whooped on one of the Wise Men. How's it going?

DIANA Fine. Unless I've got Marsall's plan upside down. In that case I'm in a lot of trouble.

NORMA Oh, how's he feeling?

DIANA Well, he's in the third day of the twenty-four flu.

NORMA I do appreciate your helping out like this, Diana.

DIANA I'm glad to help.

HOWARD CARRYING SIGNS Here they are. Hot off the paintbrush.

NORMA Oh, thank you, Howard. You didn't have to bring them down yourselves.

HOWARD Oh, anything to get out of that office. I'm having trouble writing the ad. Everything I write seems to be phony.

DIANA What's the ad for?

HOWARD Fake fur.

NORMA What is this? HOLDS UP SIGN SAYING DIANA SMYTHE - YOU'RE NEEDED. Diana Smythe - you're needed.

DIANA How on earth did he find me?

NORMA Who found you? Who needs you? What does this sign mean?

DIANA It means the ghost of London past has come back to haunt me.

NORMA Well, it's calling card's a family size. Well, come on, let's finish here and go down and risk lunch at the cafeteria.

MAN WALKS ALONG STREET WITH ANOTHER SIGN.

NORMA Hey, are we being picketed.

HOWARD That's not a picket.

DIANA This is only the beginning, friends.

NORMA So, whose this old friend?

DIANA Well, it's Brian Harris.

NORMA Brian Harris. The concert pianist?

DIANA The same.

HOWARD The Brian Harris. He's a genius.

DIANA I'm sure he'd be the first to agree with you.

WOMAN ENTERS. Is there a Diana Smythe here?

NORMA Oh, yes. There she is.

WOMAN This is for you. HANDS ENVELOPE TO HER.

DIANA Not another one. Tell Brian enough is enough. HANDS RIPPED UP PIECES OF ENVEOPE TO NORMA

NORMA Enough. HANDS THEM TO HOWARD

HOWARD Is enough. HANDS THEM TO WOMAN

WOMAN Who's Brian? I'm from accounting. That was your overtime check.

DIANA ENTERS HER OFFICE. MAN HOLDING NEWSPAPER PUTS IT DOWN. ITS BRIAN, played by PATRICK MACNEE:

BRIAN You're late.

DIANA I'm late?

BRIAN You're nine years, seventeen minutes and thirty two seconds late.

DIANA I do apologize.

BRIAN You're forgiven.

DIANA How are you?

BRIAN I'm a delight. And you?

DIANA Charming as ever. How did you find me?

BRIAN When you left I put salt on your tail. You're not exactly inconspicuous. I went to London Airport and I said, 'Where did the tall girl go?' They, recognizing my impeccable taste, pointed due west. This is for you. HANDS HER A BOX.

DIANA Oh, Brian, you should have. SHE OPENS SMALL BOX, THERE'S NOTHING IN IT.

BRIAN It's nothing. I never lie. BRINGS OUT PIECE OF PAPER. Now, this was supposed to be in it. It's an invitation for dinner. You can fill in the name of the person you want to have it with. Will seven thirty be all right?

DIANA Seven thirty will be fine, thank you.

BRIAN I hope I can manage it.

NORMA ENTERS: Hullo.

DIANA Norma, I'd like you to meet Brian Harris.

NORMA How do you do.

BRIAN How do you do.

DIANA Norma is my boss.

BRIAN You're the most intelligently constructed boss I've ever seen.

NORMA Thank you. Are you in town for a visit or a concert?

BRIAN Hasn't anyone told you?

NORMA No.

BRIAN I'm playing with the New York Philharmonic tomorrow night at Lincoln Center.

NORMA Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know.

DIANA HANDS HIM A CUP OF COFFEE. Lincoln Center? Brian, that's marvelous.

BRIAN Yes, I've progressed from simple pianist to internationally renowned artiste. That means that Brian Harris is spelt wrong in eight languages. My current favorite is Blarney Harris.

NORMA In Japan?

BRIAN No, in London. I say, I wonder if you could come with Diana to the concert tomorrow night.

DIANA I didn't know I was going.

BRIAN Well, of course you're invited. I have influence. I can get you the very best seats at a reasonable price. No, you're my guest.

DIANA What about Norman?

BRIAN What do we want with a Norman?

NORMA Norman is my husband.

BRIAN Oh, pity.

NORMA He'll be out of town tomorrow night.

BRIAN Splendid. HOWARD ENTERS.

DIANA Have you met Howard.

BRIAN Oh, you don't have to introduce us. He's my conspirator. He carried the cry of my heart to you.

HOWARD I didn't know you were the Brian Harris, then.

BRIAN I am always the Brian Harris.

HOWARD You know I don't think there's a record album of yours I don't have.

BRIAN Oh, really?

HOWARD I particularly like that Rachmanoff piano concerto.

BRIAN I'm inclined to agree with you.

HOWARD It's...it's...what's the word I'm looking for.

BRIAN Magnificent?

HOWARD Yes, that's it. You know, I wanted to come to your concert tomorrow night. Do you think there'll be tickets at this late date?

BRIAN Be my guest. Join the ladies.

HOWARD Oh, thank you, that's very kind of you.

BRIAN And after a scintillating performance, and an encore of Rachmaninoff specially for you, we'll open a bottle of champagne in the dressing room.

HOWARD Oh, I'd love to.

PHONE RINGS

DIANA Hello. Yes, I'll tell him. Your limousine is awaiting downstairs.

BRIAN Oh, I shall have to desert you. The limousine awaits. I have to do some interviews. PULLS OUT NOTEBOOK. I have to do some today. I have to do the Tonight Show today, and...that can't be right. I have to do the Today Show today.

HOWARD No, no, no. They do tomorrow's Today Show tomorrow. Tomorrow's Tonight Show they do today.

BRIAN I beg your pardon?

HOWARD Today's Tonight Show they did yesterday. Diana?

DIANA It's very simple. You see they do the Tonight Show today for tomorrow But It's too late to do the Today show. They did that already this morning.

BRIAN I think I'll be better off with Dick Cavett. It's very nice meeting you. Goodbye.

NORMA/HOWARD Goodbye.

BRIAN See you tonight, which is today. Perhaps we'll extend it, to tomorrow. Goodbye.

DIANA Goodbye.

NORMA Oh, Diana, he's wonderful.

HOWARD He's a great guy.

DIANA Yes, he is. LOOKS PENSIVE

DIANA's APARTMENT. GETTING READY. OPENS DOOR. BRIAN STANDS THERE, COAT ON SHOULDER.

BRIAN Brian, you're early, I haven't finished dressing yet. Help to yourself to a drink. I'll be right with you.

DIANA You've still got it. Your sense of where the bar is located is still 100 proof.

BRIAN GOES BEHIND BAR. How about you? Can I offer you a drink?

DIANA Yes.

BRIAN The usual?

DIANA Yes.

BRIAN Extra dry martini, straight up with a twist.

DIANA Tall scotch.

BRIAN And water.

DIANA Soda.

BRIAN Of course! The usual! Tall, scotch and soda. I love the drama of this room, you know. It's very similar to Roger's flat in London.

DIANA Yes. The furniture is the same including the art collection.

BRIAN There's only one jarring note. That picture over there.

DIANA Which one?

BRIAN The atrocious one. It's the only time I've ever really disagreed with Roger's taste. Who's the artist?

DIANA Me.

BRIAN Oh, I'm sorry.

DIANA There's no need to apologize.

BRIAN No, I'm sorry it's atrocious.

BRIAN HANDS HER A DRNK. There's your scotch and water.

DIANA Soda.

BRIAN Of course. HANDS HER DRINK FROM OTHER HAND. Scotch and soda. Now. What shall we drink to? Exciting, unusual. I guess we'd better drink to us. The past. The two of us just talking, relaxing, and exchanging ideas.

DIANA Brian. I seem to remember our past was a quite frantic series of interruptions..

BRIAN By the way, how are you getting on in America. Are you getting acclimatized?

DIANA Well, I'm getting there. I know longer call the subway the tube. I say X, Y and Zee instead of X, Y Zed. And I'm learning to tell my dates 'why don't you give me a call' instead of 'why don't you knock me up.'

BRIAN LAUGHS. Extraordinary language.

DIANA You should hear what they say about ours.

BRIAN Do you know, there's not been a moment I haven't thought about you.

DIANA And I've read about you.

BRIAN And thought about me?

DIANA Inevitably one reads, one thinks.

BRIAN Yes. Well, you don't need to believe every scurrilous thing you read. In particular that incredible thing..

DIANA No, no, no. I've never read that one.

BRIAN Good. HE SCOOTS CLOSER TO HER ON THE COUCH. I bet you don't know where I was last week. Waterford.

DIANA Waterford.

BRIAN Yeah. You remember that absolutely mad day. Ha ha. The canoe. We left our clothes on the shore, we had to buy 'em back again from those children that came by...

DIANA The part I remember best about that particular day...

BRIAN Yes, what?

DIANA Is my not being there.

BRIAN It wasn't you? It should have been. Do you know, I've often wish I hadn't been such an idiot and walked out on you.

DIANA I walked out on you.

BRIAN Right. I wish you hadn't been such an idiot.

DIANA Phone rings. Hello. Yes, he's here. It's for you.

BRIAN Ah.

DIANA You gave out my number?

BRIAN I knew you wouldn't mind. I gave it to the hotel in case there was a call. Yes? Hong Kong? Yes, I'll accept the charges. Dem guy ganor. Desoto desonto. Jee see san lie. Dozo. HANGS UP PHONE. My shirt maker.

DIANA Brian, you are incorrigible.

Phone rings.

BRIAN That's probably for me.

DIANA Has it occurred to you that someone may wish to call me at my apartment on my phone. Hello? HANDS PHONE TO BRIAN.

BRIAN Hello. Yes, this is he. Ohh, Barbara. It's Barbara Walters. That's very kind of you, Barbara. OTHER PHONE RINGS. Will you get that please, darling.

DIANA Yes.

BRIAN TO PHONE AND BARBARA. I'm very glad. I'm delighted that you want me to play the piano, but, I honestly don't think I can do it at six am. I mean, my fingers don't even start to lift until one.

DIANA It's your manager.

BRIAN (Covers receiver) Oh, what's he want?

DIANA He wants to know if you're interested in Denver.

BRIAN Well, only if Denver's interested in me.

DIANA INTO PHONE: Only if Denver's interested in him. HANGS UP PHONE.

BRIAN Look, I'm awfully sorry, Barbara, but even for you it is too early. Perhaps when it's a little later. Bye.

Doorbell.

DIANA Don't tell me you gave out my address as well.

BRIAN My tailor, darling.

SPINELLI Good day. SHORT ITALIAN ENTERS, CARRYING TAILS

BRIAN Ah, Mr. Spinelli. Come in, come in.

SPINELLI Excuse me. I have brought your tails.

BRIAN Wonderful.

SPINELLI And I am sure you will find them exactly to your taste. But, more importantly, to mine. HELPS BRIAN SLIP THEM ON.

BRIAN Lovely. They're really perfect.

SPINELLI Of course, it's a Spinelli.

BRIAN Of course. But there is just one thing I have to do. This is important. GOES TO FRONT OF ROOM, FLIPS TAILS TO SIT DOWN ON COFFEE TABLE.

BRIAN The left one doesn't flip correctly.

SPINELLI Impossible.

BRIAN No, no, no. See for yourself. DOE S IT AGAIN. Mr. Spinelli. A gracefully flipped tail makes all the difference in the appearance to the piano player. Now, you'll just have to add more flip.

SPINELLI Mr. Harris. I have given those tails the precise degree of flip for performing at Lincoln Center. If you were performing at Carnegie Hall I would tend to agree with you, but for Lincoln Center, they're perfect.

BRIAN Mr. Spinelli. I'm the one who's going to be doing the playing, and I'm the one, therefore, who's going to be doing the flipping. And I demand more flip.

SPINELLI One does not demand of Spinelli. For five generations the name Spinelli has been synonymous with excellence in design, workmanship, detail and flip.

BRIAN Mr. Spinelli. When I say more flip I want more flip!

SPINELLI Mr. Harris. I won't touch them!

BRIAN I insist!

SPINELLI I refuse!

BRIAN You won't get paid!

SPINELLI You want flip you'll get flip. SEIZES TAILS. Good day, Mr. Harris. Mrs Miss, . Lady..

DIANA Good bye.

BRIAN Wasn't I right?

DIANA Of course. There's nothing worse than a limp flip.

Doorbell rings.

BRIAN I'm terribly sorry, my darling, but, I've invited a few reporters in for an impromptu press conference.

DIANA How many?

BRIAN Well, Maybe ten. Perhaps Twenty. I do hope you don't mind but I do think it's going to delay our dinner just a little.

DIANA Yes, possibly another ten years.

BRIAN Come in, gentlemen, and ladies. Oh, it's delightful to see you all. HORDES OF PEOPLE ENTER.

COMMERCIAL

Doorbell rings.

BRIAN CARRYING TRAY, WITH PAPER Good morning.

DIANA Good morning.

BRIAN Breakfast is served. Your morning paper.

DIANA READS NAME ON PAPER. Jones. Apartment 11A.

BRIAN We can put it back before they get up. They'll never miss it.

DIANA I'm afraid they will. They've just bought a puppy.

BRIAN Oh.

DIANA Brian. I find that deeply moving. But you do seem to have forgotten I don't eat breakfast.

BRIAN But I cleaned and caught these kippers for you.

DIANA Besides, I have to go to work.

BRIAN Work. You're not going to go to work today, are you?

DIANA Of course.

BRIAN But I thought we'd spend it together. Look, all I've got is a press conference this morning, a radio interview over lunch, then I've got a few publicity stills at 2, and then we can go to the Lincoln Center and you can listen to me practice for an hour or two. Won't it be wonderful.

DIANA Brian, I have to work.

BRIAN Oh, but I wanted you with me.

DIANA I'm sorry.

BRIAN Why don't you phone in and tell them a little white lie.

DIANA No, no, no, I can't do that.

BRIAN What possible difference can it make if you don't go to work today. I mean, it's not really all that important, is it?

DIANA I beg your pardon. My work may not be as glamorous as yours, and I may not receive an ovation for it, but my job is just as important to me as your job is to you.

BRIAN Being a concert pianist is not a job!

DIANA Well, being a fashion illustrator is. And I have certain responsibilities and I can't just walk out on them.

BRIAN Oh, darling, what happened to the Diana Smythe who was full of life. A free spirit. You did everything for the moment. All you want to do is go to work in a bloody shop.

DIANA That is called making a living, Brian.

BRIAN Well, you've certainly changed.

DIANA Unfortunately you haven't. You're still totally preoccupied with yourself.

BRIAN Now, look, Diana, all I want you to do is to take the day off.

DIANA You're still as understanding and flexible as after.

BRIAN Darling. Dammit! You're being childish and immature.

DIANA You haven't changed a bit. You still like to push people around! But you are not pushing me!

BRIAN All right! All right! HE SITS DOWN, POUTING. I'll go to Lincoln Center and spend the day alone! With my piano.

DIANA I'd tell you what to do with your piano. But it's a physical impossibility.

LEAVES.

BRIAN I'm an artist. I can do anything with a piano.

DIANA BACK IN WINDOW, PUTTING HATS ON DUMMIES.

DIANA Hi, Diana.

DIANA Hi, Norma.

NORMA Well?

DIANA Well, what?

NORMA Well, how is Brian?

DIANA Oh, he's fine.

NORMA Diana, you meet a man you haven't seen in ten years. A man you obviously knew very well. And all you can say is fine?

DIANA Norma, fine is fine with me.

NORMA Has he changed?

DIANA No, he's still as charming and stubborn and handsome and pigheaded as he always was.

NORMA Half of him sounds delicious.

DIANA One minute I adore him and the next minute I'd like to throttle him.

NORMA Well, you'd better make up your mind right away because look whose here.

DIANA Oh, this is ridiculous.

NORMA He brought you flowers.

DIANA Mm, he's very big on long-stemmed apologies. At times, my flat in London looked like a greenhouse.

BRIAN Hello.

NORMA Hello.

GIVES NORMA ONE OF THE ROSES.

BRIAN And will you excuse me? HANDS REST TO DIANA. And those are for you.

DIANA Thank you.

NORMA Well, I guess I'd better go do whatever it is ...I'd better go do.

BRIAN Don't forget this evening. My dressing room after the concert.

NORMA Oh, I wouldn't miss it for the world.

BRIAN Um. I realize that the things I said this morning were unnecessary, harsh, and I hate to say it, but childish.

DIANA I think that summed it up rather nicely.

BRIAN I'm sure you do. I realize I'm just a pain in the neck!

DIANA I was thinking a bit lower.

BRIAN Do you know what I did this morning? I thought and stared at the piano. I couldn't even play chopsticks. All I was thinking about was our argument. Look, darling, you know I get ..I get nervous before a concert. I admit I'm self-centered and sometimes I speak before I think, but the fact is I'm sorry.

DIANA Brian, do you know what you've just done?

BRIAN No?

DIANA You have just apologized.

BRIAN I did, didn't I?

DIANA It's a first.

BRIAN Don't let it get around. It could ruin my image. You are coming to the concert tonight, aren't you?

DIANA Of course.

BRIAN And dinner afterward. Just the two of us?

DIANA I'd love it.

BRIAN Forgiven?

DIANA Forgiven.

BRIAN Friends?

DIANA Friends.

They kiss on the lips.

Claps from window watchers outside.

Music.

BRIAN AND MANAGER ENTER DRESSING ROOM.

BRIAN A disaster.

MANAGER Mr. Harris, everyone is entitled to an off night. I would certainly not call it a disaster.

BRIAN In my entire career I've never received as bad notices as tomorrow's.

MANAGER So you had a little problem with your Beethoven. The rest of your performance was brilliant.

BRIAN What do you mean? They walked out. I wish I'd been with them.

MANAGER They gave you six curtain calls.

BRIAN Three. If Beethoven had not been deaf, he'd be turning in his grave.

MANAGER Do you wish to see anybody?

BRIAN No, they want their money back.

MANAGER You know, you'd feel better if you get out of those tails and into something more comfortable.

BRIAN Yes, into a 747, jumbo, back to London, dear, rainy old London.

MANAGER And don't be so harsh with yourself. And don't talk down. Be affirmative.

BRIAN You know, John. You're quite right. Forgive me, Ludwig. EXITS ROOM.

JOHN OPENS DOOR TO NORMA AND HOWARD

MANAGER Won't you come in?

HOWARD/NORMA Thank you.

HOWARD HAPPILY. Hey, he's not here.

MANAGER He'll be with you in a moment.

HOWARD Oh.

MANAGER Have a seat. Excuse me. HE LEAVES.

HOWARD We should have waited for Diana.

NORMA She's talking to friends.

HOWARD We made a big mistake coming here.

NORMA To the dressing room.

HOWARD To the concert.

NORMA I don't know what to say to him. I can't lie. He'll see right through me.

HOWARD Do you think we can get away with just, 'good night?' What happened. He just didn't play well tonight.

BRIAN ENTERS, DRESSED IN DRESSING GOWN.

BRIAN Howard, Norma. How good of you to drop by.

NORMA We simply had to.

HOWARD How could we leave without telling you that...

BRIAN Yes?

NORMA Great..great, the seats were just great.

HOWARD Perfect.

NORMA And soft.

HOWARD Soft, soft.

BRIAN Did you enjoy the concert?

NORMA Enjoy is not the word.

NORMA I can't remember another night like this in my life.

HOWARD Oh, me too. I'll be talking about this for weeks.

NORMA Yes. I don't know anybody who could have done what you did...the way you did it tonight. Well, I suppose we really ought to leave you alone because I'm sure you have a lot of people waiting...to talk...to you.

BRIAN Aren't you going to stay and have some champagne?

NORMA No, thanks very much.

HOWARD We've to get up very early in the morning. You know.

BRIAN Oh, I understand. Well next time I come back we'll have to do it again.

HOWARD Why?

BRIAN They've asked me back in three months time.

NORMA Really? That is simply marvelous. We'll see you then. Goodnight. Goodnight, and thanks again for anything.

HOWARD And, once again I just have to say...CLOSES DOOR.

JOHN ENTERS WITH TAILS. Do you want these pressed?

BRIAN No. Burned.

DIANA ENTERS, JOHN EXITS OUT SAME DOOR. Forgive me, Brian, but I got into a conversation with some rather long-winded friends. They really enjoyed the concert.

BRIAN Then they must have missed it. The one I was at was dismal.

DIANA Brian.

BRIAN No. Intellectually I know that I perform poorly on occasions. But, I can't stand what happened tonight, darling, I hate myself. I'm divorcing all ten fingers.

DIANA Brian. You had moments of brilliance.

BRIAN You're remembering the past. You of all people should know that I did not perform well.

DIANA Now, listen. Your Chopin was beautifully performed. And you're Mozart was excellent.

BRIAN What did you think of my Beethoven.

DIANA Your Beethoven?

BRIAN I want the truth.

DIANA I was quite moved.

BRIAN Yes, I saw you squirming. I was atrocious! I decimated Beethoven!

DIANA Those are your words, not mine.

BRIAN Well, I want to hear your words.

DIANA Well, you played with conviction and...

BRIAN The truth.

DIANA Well, actually I was disappointed.

BRIAN Disappointed.

DIANA Mmm. I simply don't think you played as well as you can.

BRIAN You don't?

DIANA No.

BRIAN May I ask what qualifies you for such an evaluation?

DIANA Well, it's an opinion and I'm not without some musical knowledge. I did study music in school.

BRIAN An hour a week of music appreciation at a Buckinghamshire boarding school does not entitle you to set yourself up as a music critic.

DIANA You asked me to tell you what I thought.

BRIAN Well, you should think before you say what you thought.

DIANA But I thought.

BRIAN You should think before you say what you're think you thought.

DIANA I think we should stop this before one of us says something we're totally sorry for.

BRIAN One of us already has. I'm totally sorry for what you said. Good night. PICKS UP BOTTLE AND EXITS ROOM.

DIANA Good night, Brian. And goodbye. LEAVES ROOM.

MUSIC

DIANA THINKING. ANSWERS DOOR. BRIAN THERE. Bum bum bum. TAKES OFF COAT TO REVEAL CHAMPAGNE. I also do card tricks. Charming smiles. And apologies. KISSES HER.

DIANA Brian. Why do you keep coming back?

BRIAN Probably because I love you.

DIANA Because you love me?

BRIAN Well, is that so illegal in the United States?

DIANA But, Brian, you have no reason to love me.

BRIAN You were born. That's reason enough.

DIANA Laughs. I'm terribly sorry, Brian, but you said precisely that, one night in Cambridge 11 years ago.

BRIAN Oh? Well, what's so terrible about being consistent? And what's so wrong about being loved?

DIANA Because with you it's a conversational gambit.

BRIAN I suppose you're going to say that I'm not capable of loving.

DIANA No, no, you are capable of loving, but it is yourself that you love.

BRIAN True. SITS DOWN ON ARM OF CHAIR. SHE LEANS HEAD AGAINST HIS CHEST. But once you love one person you can love another. Darling, come with me. Look, I've got a concert tour, it's booked to the end of the year. All around the world. Now we'll travel, we'll laugh. HUGS HER. We'll be full-time lovers and part time sparring partners. You're marvelous when you're angry, and I'm marvelous when we make up. What do you think?

DIANA No.

BRIAN I want to ask you something else.

DIANA Mh hm?

BRIAN Are you still in the mood for dinner?

DIANA I'm starved.

KISSES HER ON MOUTH. STANDS UP AND MOVES INTO CENTER OF ROOM.

BRIAN Good. What have you got in the house?

DIANA I've half a can of artichoke hearts, some pickled gherkins and some fig newtons.

BRIAN We'll go out. Darling. Diana. Thank you for being honest with me. I think we'd be better if we looked upon ourselves as two ships that passed in the night.

DIANA And count ourselves lucky that we didn't collide, and sink. SHE KISSES HIM ON CHEEK.

******

THE OFFICE

HOWARD Good morning.

NORMA Good morning, Howard.

DIANA How was your weekend?

HOWARD How could the weekend be with the kids fighting and the dogs yapping and Ethel complaining.

NORMA Why was Ethel complaining?

HOWARD Because I was away all weekend. How was yours.

DIANA It's the most relaxing Sunday I've had in months.

HOWARD What did you do Saturday?

DIANA I saw Brian off. Why do you think Sunday was so relaxing?

NORMA PHONE RINGS. Hello. Oh, yes, just a minute please. Diana, it's for you. It's Brian calling from Denver.

DIANA Hello, Brian. Hello, marvelous to hear you. Yes, Brian, I would love to have breakfast with you. But don't you think the fact that you're two thousand miles away makes it a titch difficult?

TWO TUXEDO CLAD MEN ENTER, ONE WITH Diana Smythe.

NORMA Sh. She's on long distance.

MAN Excellent. Over there, Fred.

DIANA Oh, Brian, you are deliciously mad. DRINKS HER ORANGE JUICE. Good morning, darling